Line One

By Bill Hudgins
Land Line columnist


I n response to overwhelming demand (OK, my editor’s plea), and with the holidays upon us, once again I’m taking aim at some beloved holiday carols and songs. This year, my wife also is contributing a “cracked carol” – which proves to me that I got the best present of all 30 years ago this December when we became a tandem.

So, we hope you like these new tunes. Here’s wishing us all a wonderful holiday and a great New Year.

Do You Smell What I Smell?
(To the tune of “Do You See What I See?”)
Said the Kenworth to the little Mack:
Do you smell what I smell? (Do you smell what I smell?)
From that old reefer over there?
Do you smell what I smell? (Do you smell what I smell?)
Greenhouse gases, adding to the smog,
And a driver behind on his log,
And a driver behind on his log.

CARB-OK Trucks Are Coming to Town
(To the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)
Oh you better watch out, for carbon-rich gas,
Or you won’t get a California pass.
CARB-OK trucks are coming to town.

They don’t have nitrogen dioxide,
They don’t have any smoke.
They’re greener than a dollar bill,
But the regs will make you choke!

(Repeat chorus)

Oh Drivers Who Are Distracted
(To the tune of “O’ Little Town of Bethlehem”)
Oh drivers who are distracted
Are dangerous to all:
They talk and text right into wrecks,
And then it is last call.

What will it take to stop them
Facebooking on the go?
Or sending snaps and Googling maps
While driving with their toes?

Fatigue Check, Fatigue Check
(To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Fatigue check, fatigue check in the Gopher State.
They didn’t need authority to make you sit and wait.
Fatigue check, fatigue check shames the North Star State.
OOIDA’s gonna stop MinnDOT from throwin’ round its weight.

The Doc-in-a-Box Song
(To the tune of “The Chipmunk Song”)
Health care, health care would be nice
Basic stuff, it would suffice:
To see a doc, not the E.R.
But my check won’t stretch that far.
What we all should now demand
Is something like Congress’ plan
But all that we folks can afford
Is trusting in the Lord.

Down in the Jailhouse
(To the tune of “Up on the Rooftop” –
this is a contribution from my wife, Wilda)
Christmas Eve, I’m headin’ home
To kiss my honey and ignore the phone.
Suddenly blue lights everywhere
Oh my gosh, it’s Smokey Bear!

No, no, no, I won’t go!
No, no, no, I won’t go!
Out came the handcuffs – click, click, click!
This durn cop sure ain’t St. Nick!

Lying on a cot in the county jail
No one around to make my bail
What a way to spend Christmas Eve
Wonder how long ’fore I can leave

Oh, oh, oh, wish I could go!
Oh, oh, oh, wish I could go!
Come on morning – quick, quick, quick!
Christmas in jail sure makes me sick.


Idle Your Engine No More
(To the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”)
Idle your engines no more
You must either freeze or burn,
Green is the new religion
Comfort’s not their concern.

All the people want is goods
Don’t care how they arrive –
But don’t offend their senses
Just suck it up and drive.

Then one day we’d had enough,
Said “Folks, we all must live!
“You want your stuff brought to your door?
“There’s some things that you must give.”

Then we got weight exemptions
And tax breaks for APUs
Funny how folks can see the light
When they see they have a lot to lose.

And finally, my traditional last cracked carol …

We hope you get home for Christmas
(to the tune of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”)
We hope you get home for Christmas
We hope you get home for Christmas
And stay through New Year’s!”

Until next time, be safe, make money and get home often.
And “God bless us every one!” LL


Bill Hudgins can be reached at