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Thank your trucky stars

By Bill Hudgins, columnist

If you have often felt that you were born to be a trucker, you might be right, according to Mrs. Rufus, the wife of my friend and ace gearjammer Rufus Sideswipe.

Mrs. R. is a passionate follower of astrology. And after years of studying the zodiac, she has put together a kind of Big Rig Zodiac, complete with new names for the signs. She calls it “Truckstrology.”

Personally, I don’t believe in astrology. My rabbit’s foot and four-leaf clover have always done a pretty good job on their own. But in deference to Mrs. R. (and so she won’t make Rufus’ life miserable), I agreed to share with Land Line readers:

Airridese: March 21 - April 20. The first sign of the Zodiac is dominated by straight-ahead flamboyant types who probably won’t take much advice or no for an answer. Most often found in the longest of long-nose rigs, with big airhorns a-blaring.

Tarpus: April 20 - May 20. Not surprisingly, Tarpus truckers tend to command flatbeds. They don’t mind being on their own, so they also make great irregular route long-haulers, but have to fight the urge to stop and check their loads every couple of hours.

Jimmyni: May 21 - June 20. Jimmyni truckers can be old or young, but they all share a love of older rigs, and will spend hours telling you how truckers in those days were real knights of the road. They’re the ones who have bumper stickers declaring, “My other ride is a GMC.”

Vancer: June 21 - July 22. Vancer truckers are highly organized people – they think a trailer full of precisely aligned pallets is a thing of beauty. They try to avoid driving dumps or tankers – too messy. Their favorite TV show? “Monk.”

Neo: July 23 - August 22. Neo truckers have to have the latest and greatest. If you’re curious about a new cell phone, be sure you have a lot of time: Neos will tell you everything – in excruciating detail.

Evergo: August 23- September 22. Evergo truckers probably have a touch of ADHD – they have to be constantly in motion and love irregular route work because they don’t want to see the same thing every day. Their spouses would miss them, except that most take their spouses along as co-drivers.

Zebra: September 23 - October 22. Zebra truckers tend to see things in black-and-white. They LOVE CB debates. If they weren’t truckers, they’d probably work for the DOT, the state police or the IRS.

Scootngo: October 23 - November 21. Scootngo drivers are ambitious and want control, so they likely have their own authority. They take every load they can and holler as they drive off, “Can’t stay, gotta scootngo!”

Magicarrius: November 22 - December 21. Magicarrius drivers are beloved by dispatchers eating Rolaids over a hot load. These are the guys and gals who deliver that load on time – and – somehow, magically … legally. How do they do it? Uh, don’t ask.

Capsandairhorn: December 22 - January 19. Your average Capsandairhorn truckers still live in the era of Knight of the Road. They flash lights to aid passing drivers, stop to help people on the side of the road, mentor rookies on the fine art of backing, never use profanity on the CB, and wear creased pressed jeans and western shirts.

Hilarius: January 20 - February 18. Hilarius drivers are the CB comedians, who know all the latest jokes and can be depended on to share them, especially at night to keep their fellow drivers in stitches and awake. Take time to get to know them. They may be the most in need of cheering up.

Biseas: February 19 - March 20. Biseas drivers run coast-to-coast as easily as most people change their socks. They prefer a dedicated run and love the routine. Their idea of living on the edge is taking a different lane on I-40 through Tennessee. LL

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