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Opinion-editorial
And you thought all the good ideas were taken

Bob Martin
Columnist

 

I would just as soon meet another driver who was too drunk to fish as one that was texting.

Although I’ve never texted, it’s like Yogi Berra said: “You can observe a lot by watching.” And it looks to me like the most popular way to text is using both thumbs. So I guess if you drive and text, you would hold your device at the bottom of the steering wheel, thumbs at the ready and steering with your pinkies.

All this got me to thinking: What would life be like without the use of your thumbs? How could you hold a double cheese Whopper without using both thumbs? How would you zip up your jeans, tie your shoes, hook or unhook a bra? How would you thumb-cock your pistol, or work the button on that spring-loaded dog leash? Hope you have a small dog because you ain’t gonna have much grip on the handle without that ol’ thumb in there helping out.

The list could go on and on. How about the bathroom? Think what it would be like in there without thumbs. The shower controls, toothbrush, combing your hair, curlers, shaving (I wouldn’t recommend a straight razor), plucking your eyebrows, etc. On the good side, flushing the hopper shouldn’t be a problem.

Without the use of your thumbs, you’re gonna look like a caveman in that snooty restaurant that has a dress code. They might throw you out. You’d look silly trying to handle that stemmed wine glass … and what about holding a fork and steak knife when you tackle that $40 steak? Try it; hold your thumb against your hand and try picking up a knife. I did, and it’s hard to even pick it up, let alone use it.

So, here is my idea. Figure out a way to render the thumbs unusable (for 30 days to 30 years) for anyone convicted of texting and driving and causing injury or death. How would you do this? I don’t know; call in the professionals. Plastic zip ties with a seal number or bar code would work for me. LL

Aug/Sept Digital Edition