Line One
Cracked Christmas carols
Can we get that spotlight aimed over here?

By Bill Hudgins
Land Line columnist


With Christmas coming at us like a rig in Georgia overdrive on Lookout Mountain, it's time for another round of "cracked Christmas carols." Those who have read – and maybe sung – some of my past parodies may notice a shift in tone this year. My better half observed that things are tough all year and I should sound a more positive note to try to lift spirits during the holidays. (Actually, she said "Parky the snarky.")

So I've tried to do that (mostly), for instance, with a song about Jasmine Jordan, who outran all the big dogs, and about some of OOIDA's work on your behalf. We hope you like these new tunes. Here's wishing us all a wonderful holiday and a great New Year.

Jazzy Ran
(To the tune of 'Jingle Bells')
Jazzy ran, Jazzy ran, she ran all the way!
From California to Times Square, she hardly missed a day.
Jazzy ran, Jazzy ran, let's all say hooray,
And donate to the St. Chris fund, do it now – today!

Dashing past a beach, slogging up a hill,
Jazzy made the miles go by to stuff St. Chris' till.
Wearing out her shoes, keeping up her grades,
Folks came out to see her and to wave at her parade.
Ohhhhh (Chorus)

(To the tune of 'Silent Night')
EOBR … not in my large car:
Take your sensors and shove them far.
Don't want some snoop in way-out DC
Tuning in to try to track me.
We want our privacy,
And a little dignity.

EOBR … not in my large car:
We ask the court, you to bar.
Safer roads don't come in a black box,
Cut down instead on delays at the docks.
Rest and respect will save more,
Rest and respect will save more.

A Lonely Truck Stop in the Snow
(To the tune of 'O Little Town of Bethlehem')
A lonely truck stop in the snow
No spaces to be found.
Roads are closed, they cannot go,
Deep snow lies all around.
The truckers are all grumbling,
They know they cannot leave,
They won't get home to their loved ones,
Tonight is Christmas Eve.

Then someone watching in the lot
Says turn those big lights out!
Drivers – hit your chicken lights,
Use all the lights you got!
Then there was a Christmas scene
That made their sad hearts glow:

Amber, purple, red and green
Lights shining on the snow.

We'll Toll You Weary Trucking Folk
(To the tune of 'God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen')
We'll toll you weary trucking folk,
Let no mile go untaxed:
To fill our empty coffers
We must take it off your backs.
Our people say, "Let others pay:
Get your hands off our stack!"
And we want to be re-elected –
Re-elected –
And we want to be re-elected.

Santa Don't You Worry
(To the tune of 'I'll Be Home for Christmas')
It's three weeks 'til Christmas,
My flatbed's full of trees,
Headin' down to Florida,
To sell to retirees.
It's a hot assignment,
Pays two dollars and a dime,
Santa, don't you worry,
I'll get there on time.

The kids they need some new clothes,
My wife – she needs some fun,
If I can fight fatigue tonight,
I'll get a bonus for this run.
Christmas comes in big rigs,
That's a truth sublime,
Santa, don't you worry,
I'll get there on time.

And finally, a Christmas wish to all of you from all of us at OOIDA:
(To the tune of 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus')
We give thanks for truckers at Christmastime,
They brought all the things we now enjoy,
From trees to the fruitcake,
To the turkey mama baked,
From Labor Day up to right now they hardly took a break.
So we give thanks for truckers at Christmastime,
Without you where would this great nation be?
You spend your life on the highway,
From our hearts we truly say,
We give thanks for truckers at Christmastime!

Until next time, be safe, make money and
get home often. LL