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Cracked Christmas Carols

By Bill Hudgins
columnist

 

‘Oh Little Town of Speed Trap Fame,’ ‘Away in a Truck Stop’ and more fractured holiday tunes guaranteed to remain stuck in your head until after New Year’

A few years ago, I decided to get paid for singing in the shower. Between latherings, I jotted down some cracked Christmas carols that I made up in steamy solitude. I can’t play a note on anything, and coming up with an original tune is too much like work.

So I set my lyrics to the music of some well-known carols and, much to my amazement, the Land Line staff put together the Exit 24 Boy and Girl Choir and sang them on XM Satellite Radio’s Land Line Now. Let me tell you – there are brand-name singers in Nashville with far more talent than I who spent years trying to get that kind of exposure. It was one of the best Christmas presents I have ever received.

With the holidays bearing down on us like Smokey just one shy of his annual quota on New Year’s Eve, I was inspired to try my hand at caroling again, with some new tunes (except for the last one, which appeared here two years ago). Here’s wishing us all a wonderful holiday season and a great New Year.

 

Oh Little Town of Speed Trap Fame
(To the tune of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)
Oh little town of speed trap fame
How low thy police lie
Behind the sign on Highway 9
Their radar turned up high
And in the dark night cruising
Unwary truckers learn
Drop from 55 to 25
Or you will go home burned.

 

Away in the Truck Stop
(To the tune of “Away in a Manger”)
Away in a corner, only place I could park
I was way out of hours, and it was 30 past dark
I’m stuck in the shadows where sketchy folk prey
And here I must lie until break of day.

I looked at the clock, it was quarter past 4
15 lot lizards had knocked on my door
Five guys selling CBs and three selling crack
When I leave this here truck stop, I ain’t coming back.

The rentacop guy came around about 3
I thought hallelujah, the bad guys will flee
But they slipped him a C-note and he didn’t wince
When he saw more dope dealers come over the fence.

The food it was greasy, the showers the same;
Two dollars for coffee, have they no shame?
The law says no idle, so I’ll shiver till dawn
In the game of trucking, I’m only a pawn.

 

Don’t Rest Ye Weary Trucking Folks
(To the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)
Don’t rest ye weary trucking folks, you must keep on your way;
Truck stops are full and rest stops, too; there’s no place you can stay;
Just slug some Joe, you’re good to go, so says the ATA,
Oh driving used to be a joy, be a joy
Oh driving used to be a joy.

 

Grandma makes her living in a big rig
(To the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”)
Grandma makes her living in a big rig
Driving coast to coast for her is livin’ large
Till she ran into a skinflint carrier
That tried to deny her fuel surcharge.

She marched up to the boss’s office
To give him a piece of mind
She’d read up on negotiation
And said “I’m here for what is mine.”

They went back and forth for hours
With voices raised and sore
When she left that poor sap’s office
She had all she wanted – and even more!

Grandma makes her living in a big rig
Driving coast to coast for her is livin’ large
And her carrier has learned better
Than to threaten her fuel surcharge.

 

We hope you …
And finally (to the tune of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”):
We hope you get home for Christmas
We hope you get home for Christmas
We hope you get home for Christmas
And stay through New Year’s!

Until next time, be safe, make money and get home often. And “God bless us every one!” LL

 

Bill Hudgins can be reached at billhudgins@earthlink.net

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