Have you never found it quite hard to believe
Reindeer bring all those presents on Christmas Eve,
Well, I'm gonna tell ya how us truckers know
The Christmas Eve legend about them is so!
I was hauling a fat load of Christmas trees
Down a wet mountain road just starting to freeze.
The night I gave Santa a ride in my truck.
You could tell the old guy was down on his luck,
Standing there on the shoulder hitching a ride,
When I saw who it was, my eyes opened wide!
He was battered and bruised, had been in a wreck.
Was out on a trial run that 'bout broke his neck.
He'd been testing a new reindeer...robots, you see
And the robots malfunctioned, failed miserably.
Their computers were programmed to fly all right
But their parts wouldn't work in the cold sky at night.
His sleigh was a shambles; his suit in a mess,
Told me there'd still be toys for kids nonetheless.
Said he had a spare sled back home at the Pole,
And his real live reindeer were ready to roll.
Then he asked me how fast my big truck would go,
He said Mrs. Claus would be waiting to know
If electronic reindeer could pull the sleigh
That delivers the presents on Christmas Day.
I put the pedal to metal, stopped near a town.
He hollered back, "Thanks" as I watched him climb down.
We sure didn't know, when Santa got off my truck
It was just the beginning of his bad luck!
You see, at the Pole, rumor spread through the barn
That his live reindeers' job security was gone.
The awful truth came from Mrs. Claus' kitty
Who heard Santa's plan to go to the city,
And try out some new cost-cutting creation;
Home delivery by robot transportation!
Santa said the world mustn't think him a fool,
Computerization was thought to be cool!
Well, of course every one of those reindeer knew
They'd fast be replaced if the robots could do
What they had been doing for hundreds of years,
The mere thought of a layoff broadened their fears.
In a state of panic they came to agree,
They'd best find a job...maybe national TV
They went looking for work before they got fired,
But they didn't come back, because they got hired.
With his reindeer long gone, as you surmise,
Santa Claus was in for a terrible surprise.
He found where they went, was worse for the wiser
They were under contract with Energizer!
To pull the big drum that whole Christmas season
Their rabbit threatened to quit...with good reason.
So...not quite a week later, the message came,
My company said Santa asked for me by name!
The dispatcher told me the old guy was stuck
Some holiday crisis! He needed my truck
And hundreds more of 'em with drivers like me
Glad to help with a children's emergency.
I'd be spilling beans if I told you what year
The truckers replaced Santa's flying reindeer,
But now you know how we all came to believe
Santa's reindeer deliver on Christmas Eve.
And if you think it's easy, take one more guess.
Next time Santa's deer quit, it's Federal Express.